Im scared. really.

Coverin my forehead with fringe used to be a fashion statement for me. Now, it isnt anymore. It has become a muz to do so. Becos i saw my wound yest and as much as i hate to admit. I know deep down inside despite pple tellin me it wont, i KNOW it WILL leave a scar.



For the first time in my life. im scared. or rather i openly admit tt im scared. very infact. afraid of the damned wound leavin a scar for the rest of my life. Afraid of havin to catch up at work or not havin work at all when i go back to the office becos in juz 2 months, ive taken 2 mcs, one at an event where help was needed and this time for one whole week.

im afraid of wat vicious bitches will try to do to wreck my once beautiful r/s. the one r/s where i tot was to be my last.the one r/s i held on to so tightly despite my inferiority. but nw. is this one r/s i protected with my heart n soul worth doin so til the end despite the hurt i feel and may continue to feel if the 3rd parties dun leave the picture. LOVE. is it enuff this time? i hope so.

im afraid of wat im turnin into in order to make my point across. i dun want to turn into a manipulative, scheming slut. i dun. but y do i haf the feelin tt i subconsciously wan to be tt person. becos all along when i was ven. i wasnt gd enuff. or was i? was it all those assholes in my life tt werent gd enuff? i juz dunno anymore.

rite nw. all i can do is to take the backseat and watch the games unfold.

minahlian
- 9:51 AM

i chose silence not because i am ignorant
but because it is simple.
when i keep quiet
dun assume i am stupid
because i know exactly wat is going on.
dun take me for granted
because once im gone
u will regret
mark my words
u will moan my loss.
tel me how can i
go on building somethin tt isnt perfect.
how can i put myself into somethin
tt wasnt wat i wanted in the first place.
can i hang in there?
am i strong enuff to do so?
i pray tt i am.
because ive gone thro this before
it isnt greek to me.
i know wat i wan.
n hopefully you know it too.

minahlian
- 1:33 PM

Each time i wake up it all seems like a bad dream, but it is not.

It still feels like yesterday when i blacked out and crashed into my home piano and ladder in the living room due to viral infection of the stomach. Since then, Ive prayed tt i will nv experience tt horrible and scary period again, making my family worry for me.

I tot tt as long as i nv ate the wrong food, drank the wrong drinks and moved ard a bit more, I would stay healthy. Who's to know tt, no matter wat i did. I could nv avoid my next fainting EPISODE, as wat the doc called it. an EPISODE? Til today, the cause of me fainting yest is a question mark. My doc cant give me a solid reason as to y i blacked out. maybe fatigue? somethin i ate? somethin i dint eat? juz somethin. tt was wat he said.

If u stil dint know wat happened to me. I blacked out yest in the bathroom without any warning signs like the last fainting spell. I wasnt feeling anythin outta the blue, and next thing i knew, i saw stars clouding up my vision.

u know how in movies they always do a flash in and out of black during scenes where pple black out, die or get injured? well, it is exactly the same. one minute i flashed to me sitting on the grd. next, i was holding myself up on the sink. next i saw blood dripping down from my forehead.

I managed to get myself wrapped up in the towel and called for my grandma. All my 22 yrs of living, i stil needed my grams to help me with my underwear.

And so, at the hospital. I received 3 stitches on my forehead and 3 on the back of my head. I stil dunno how and where i knocked head into but i think ignorance is bliss. I dun need a reminder each time i take a shower.

The Operating theatre was exactly wat u see in movies, onli colder, literally and metaphorically.
As i lay there awaiting my anesthesia, I was seriously freezin and scared outta my wits, of the pain and wat is to come after. i was seriously, shaking like a leaf.

Anws, they snipped off my hair at the back to stitch my back wound. can u imagine the horror!!! Normally ven would kill u if u wanted to onli MESS up her hair! NOW, her hair is GONE!! SNIPPED! CUT! CHOPPED! and def not by a hairstylist, in fact far from it, mind u!! argh!

so nw, all i can do is wait for my stitches to come off and hope n pray tt it wont leave a scar on my forehead. thou reality tells me it will.

My life is now, officially, a drama.

If u disagree with the above. dis-prove it.

minahlian
- 10:28 AM

i nV unDerStoOd whY sOmE aDulTs liKe tO tyPe liKe thIs. liKe HelLo plS GroW uP caN! uR nOt 14 anYmoRe tHanK yOu VeRy MucH. iTs sO nOt cuTe, iTs bLaRdy aNnoYing!

minahlian
- 1:38 PM

I am Michelle Chia and a Shiseido Maquillage face model, in my grandfather's eyes.

In my haste to create this post. i forgot to further elaborate my heading.(thank u zaddd). anws it goes like this. few days back i was comin out of the bathroom wrapped in a towel. walked past my grandpa sittin at the living rm table readin the papers. he stopped me. pointed to michelle chia and said," girl ah ur in the papers leh."

then juz yest i brought home a Shiseido Maquillage makeup press release to do some work. then left it on the same table. he picked it up. again. he said," eh its u rite. its u leh."

So.....Nw u see y u are always beautiful no matter how you turn out, to urparents/grandparents/adoptive parents/adoptive grandparents...

ive nv cherished and looked forward to my weekends as much as i haf nw since ive started work. weekends are like a luxury good where in this case i get once every week! yey.

bf's coming back next sat! like after 6 weeksss.. another yeyy.

ive found out how certain pple can tok bad about someone behind their backs one minute and turn sickeningly sweet the other in fronta the person. watching this go on at work is as gd as not havin to pay to catch a movie. then you marvel at how gd the actors' acting skills are and smile to urself at how ur sort of like a true viewer- knowing exactly wat is goin on internally btw the actors.

i know this is a pretty bold statement to make considering the fact tt everyone puts on a facade one way or another but, sickeningly fake manipulative pple irk me.

period.

minahlian
- 10:54 AM